Mitch Hedberg

[DrWHAT]

Mitch Hedberg

    * You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, "Shake to the best of your ability." Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. "Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker." Video of this Joke
    * I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.
    * I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.
    * Magicians disappear all the time. Soon as a regular person does it everyone gets fûckin' scared. "Tom’s gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let’s print up some flyers!"
    * I went on a Ferris Wheel but it got a flat.
    * A kittin bats around a ball of yarn but what he's really saying is "You know I can't knit motherfûcker." That is one foul mouthed kitten.
    * I'm going to open up my own chain of comedy clubs, Price is Right style. There will be no one on the bill, just a bunch of people in the audience with name tags on. Then someone will get on the microphone, "John Chicattee come on down.... and you better be fûcking funny!
    * I have never really played to people in a balcony... maybe you can catch a foul joke!
    * This suit is held together with safety pens, so I can't move very much. It will fall apart.
    * Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and still identify. No other cheese is like that. And you can try to draw American with a pencil, but someone's gonna think it's cheddar. But Swiss cheese is for sure. "That's Swiss. Yes it is. How'd you know? 'Cause the fûckin' holes."
    * People in a parade are cocky, they think they've attracted an audience, but really it's just people waiting to cross the street. I could attract a crowd too if I stood in everyone's way.
    * I eat a lot of sandwiches and sometimes I don't want a sandwich; that's when I realize that everything's a sandwich. Like I ordered a salad and they brought me a plate with lettuce, cheese, bacon bits and croutons--it's a sandwich, some assembly required.
    * A dog is in a permanent push-up position.
    * I'm sick of Soup of the Day, man, it's time we make a decision . I need to know what soup from now on is.
      (I don't think this one was on either CD)
    * I read that last year MTV's Real World got forty-thousand applications. That's amazing, man. Such a even number. You would think it would be forty-thousand and eight, maybe.
    * I got a lamp in my hotel room and it has a three-way light bulb. If you don't know your light bulb's a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head cause you go to turn it off and it just gets brighter. Dammit light bulb, that's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do. Then you turn it again and once more it gets brighter. I will break you.
    * If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals, you will run out.
    * I saw this woman with a kid and I said, "How old is the kid?" She said, "She's about two." That means she's either 1 or 3!
    * I'm glad the weather report gave a wind chill factor because I was going to fly a kite and I wanted to know how cold it was going to be.
    * I'm lactose intolerant, I have to eat my cereal with a fork.
    * If I owned my own vending machine, I would fill it up with those fun size mini candy bars you see at Halloween and I would put a magnifying glass on the front of it, so when people paid full price for the mini-candy bar, it would be too late when they saw the big size candy bar was really a mini one.
    * I wish that when you drove backwards in a taxi cab, they had to pay you money.
    * One of these days I'm going to beat my shoes... for all my life I’ve been tying them.
    * I was walking down the street and I saw a leprechaun, except this leprechaun was dressed in all yellow. So I thought... hey, maybe he's just a midget!
    * A coma... is really an apostrophe that fell.
    * I saw a lady in a grocery store and she had a cart, and in the cart she had cream corn and bread. Now that's normal enough, as long as she doesn't go to the cash register now. Otherwise that fûcking lady likes cream corn sandwiches.
    * They say that celery is made of 95 % water. So when I'm drinking water, I'm almost eating celery.
    * I moved into a new apartment, but I guess that its a bad neighborhood because last night I heard a shot then saw 2 guys run past the window. I was going to call the cops and then I just got optimistic and thought, maybe they were having a race. "What's the new neighborhood like?" "It's Ok, but they do have a lot of late night track and field events though.
    * I looked in the Guinness book of records; they have a listing in there for Worlds Fastest Man. That fûcker's cocky. I don't recall ever racing him.
    * If I was the headless horseman's horse, I would mess with him. No... I'm not going toward the hay. Can you imagine if the headless horseman's head was headless? That would be total CHAOS. I always wished I had a headless horseman joke. Now I have two.
    * That joke came off the top of my head. But that's not the funny part. The funny part is the back of my neck.
    * (Mitch came out on stage, there was a silver briefcase there.) This briefcase looks like it's part of my act... but it's not.
    * (Mitch laid down and put the briefcase under his head.) If my head was soft, this would be comfortable.
    * See, I'm a dreamer, man... And when I was a cook I'd always work with people who weren't dreamers. I was cooking at this restaurant & I put a hot-dog on the grill & my kitchen manager came over & he said, "Mitch, put the hot-dog up here in the right-hand corner of the grill so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once, you have all this space available." See, that's how I knew he wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have Strategic Grill Locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: The entire grill is hot...
    * Listerine makes you mad, that shit hurts. When you gargle with Listerine it hurts your mouth, you know. As soon as you put that shît in your mouth, you're like mad at everything.
    * If you drink O’Doul’s, you’re not drinking. But if you drink 20 O’Doul’s in a half hour, you’re a fûckin’ non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem, too; and there are symptoms, like when you fall down, it will always hurt.
    * A magic carpet is a carpet that flies... but a magic carpet to me would be one that vacuums itself.
    * I'd tried to laugh all the way to the bank but my bank was too far... I need a closer bank or a funnier joke.
    * During the show, a woman's cell phone began ringing but the ring sounded like an actual phone. Mitch stops and says, "That is the most realistic ringtone I have ever heard. It must be the president or something. Tell him I say hello and then turn your phone off, bitch. I'm sorry that was mean... bitch.
    * Dr. Scholl's helps feet and he's a doctor. That means he went to school for a bunch of years. But it doesn't take a bunch of school to find out that your foot feels better when you put a pad under it. He wasted all those years. I mean, I would have bought them from a Mr. Scholls or even a Senor Scholls.
    * I wear a necklace so I know when I'm upside down.
    * I was in my hotel's shower, and I starting washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, "Body wash... BODY WASH?!?" And then I realized my hair was part of my body and I didn't even care.
    * I saw a man eating steak, drinking milk, and wearing a leather jacket. Congratulations, you are now a cow. The metamorphoses is complete.
    * The last comic who came on before Mitch said to the audience, "You guys rock." So then when Mitch came out, he said, "I heard the last comic say you guys rock. I thought maybe you were all in a band or something... If you were it would be real fucking big. You make the Polyphonic Spree look like a solo artist."
    * It would be cool if Spiderman shot hammocks. You are not a criminal, but you need to relax. Now find two trees that are close together...
    * I ate some sunflower seeds, then I ate some dirt... I'm fûckin' nervous now.
    * I asked this guy for directions to the store. He said "Oh, that's just a hop, skip and a jump away." Well... that ain't how I'm getting there. You got any directions for those who are walking?
    * I'd like to see a magician do his whole act with a tank top on. He wouldn't be so fûckin' magical then.
    * I saw a commercial where a guy used Dawn dishwashing soap to clean oil off of a duck. If you ever get oil on your duck, do not buy Joy.
    * I don't have a burglar alarm, but I do have a sticker that says "Caution: No Air Inside." It would be better to have a sticker that said "Caution: Monster Inside." Then the robber would say "damn, where did he get a monster? I'd better not go in there."
    * I would imagine that if you understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. “Shut up, I don’t understand. 'Chair the we to (Share the weed too),' I don’t get it.”
    * I drove by a company that sells manufactured homes. But these are repossessed manufactured homes. I would not want to be a manufactured home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away. “Knock, knock, knock. Hi, could you go cut your grass... then look that way for half an hour?”
    * At my hotel they have a complimentary breakfast which is served between 7 and 10am. As soon as my alarm clock goes off I say... "Fûck It, I'll pay."
    * I like to get four people who do cart wheels very good and make a cart.
    * I got a Sharpie... it says "not for letter writing." Aww man, that sucks. Now I have to communicate to my dad using numbers.
    * I love cottage cheese, that's why I wanna try other dwelling cheeses too. I wanna try studio apartment cheese, or maybe igloo cheese. Or if I'm feeling adventurous, mobile home cheese. Don't eat mobile home cheese during a tornado. It would be devastating.
    * That'd be cool if you were a drummer and you accidentally grabbed two magic wands instead of drumsticks. You're pounding out the beat, next thing you know your bass player turns into a can of soup.
    * I wanna rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money, or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich... you will be cute."
    * You know how when you give a dog a bone, they always go and bury that thing, right? Well I'm gonna give a dog a bone, then watch him and see where he buries it; then I'm gonna go plant a tree there and put a whole bunch of bones on the tree. And the dog is gonna be like... "Hell yeah, it's about time this worked!"
    * Somebody once asked me to come up with a sentence that starts good and ends bad, so I said... OK. ... My girlfriend works at Hooter's... in the kitchen.
    * I bought some WD-39, because my door was squeaking, but not that bad.
    * I'd like to see the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid. I bet it'd be real fûcking clean!"
    * Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
    * That would be cool if you lived as a monster. You would never get hiccups.
    * I got a jump rope. That thing's just a rope.
    * I have a friend who works on a cooking show. I went over to his house for dinner and right when he was about to put everything into the oven, he pulled one out, it was already ready.
    * I want to take a teabag and go down to a lake and dip it in there. Hey, that guy just fûcked up the lake.
    * I've been working at a lot of colleges lately. I perform at the college and I always buy the college shirt because they are quality shirts and they are colorful but people always get the wrong idea. Like I will be wearing a Washington University shirt and some guy will say, "Hey! Washington University. Did you go there? Yea... it was a Wednesday."
    * Everyone says dolphins are intelligent...Well there has to be some dumbass dolphin out there. And I will find him. Most likely in a lake.
    * I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say... "You're home."
    * I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I said... "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"
    * I bought a vest today.... if I lost my arms it would be a coat!
    * I saw a commercial that said: "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.
    * When it comes to racism, people say, 'I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green.' Purple or green? Hold on a minute... you gotta draw the line somewhere... to hell with purple people... unless they're suffocating... then HELP 'em.
    * If you're a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture. You can't be a slouchy fish, or you will become a fish clump. And they're never popular at parties.
    * I like those blow-up beds. You know they say, "Hey, this bed will blow up into a full-size bed in three minutes." Yeah, well a mattress fûckin' kicks your ass... zero seconds... it's already ready. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." Yeah, well you can store a bed, too. In the bedroom.
    * I like when they say a movie's inspired by a true story, cuz that means it's not the true story on film - it means it was inspired by a true story... That's kinda silly, you know? Like, "Hey Mitch, did you hear that story about the lady who drove her three kids into a river and they all drowned? Oh yeah, I did... you know what? That inspires me to write a movie... about a gorilla."
    * (Wandered behind the curtain of the theatre)
      Holy shît. There's a lot of room back here. I'm going to have to start traveling with a fûcking dragon or something, just to take up more space.
    * Today we got here early, and we unloaded the truck... the stool and microphone stand... and we still had like five hours... so we re-loaded the truck, to see if we could unload more efficiently... We got it down to two seconds.
    * I like rice. Rice is good when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
    * I have a problem with stage freight, especially when I'm high. I always seem to imagine that everyone is running toward me all at once while I'm on stage, but then suddenly stop. And sit down.
    * If a giraffe had a sore-throat... MAAAAN... he would need one big lozenge.
    * This cord is really long... I can tell jokes from my hotel room... you need to keep comedians on a leash... look at this cord (Mitch holds the cord up and pinches it so it becomes shorter.) I'm gonna pinch the cord and once I release it, your gonna be hit with a whole bunch of jokes all at once.
    * Advil comes with a candy coating on it. It's delicious, but they say on the bottle "Don't take more than 2 at a time." Well, don't put a fûcking candy coating on it then. I got a sweet tooth.
    * I saw a person selling beer, and it said it was ice cold. I hope not, because then it would be impossible to drink. I guess I can lick it.
    * I tried to throw a yo-yo away if was fûcking impossible.
    * Why is there only A1 sauce for steak? I bet B2 would be better, fûck C3... motherfûcking D4 sauce, you couldn’t handle it.
    * Last night I worked for half the door, tonight I worked for half the door... tomorrow I should have a whole door.
    * My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero down there?
    * Did you ever think a hippopotamus was just a really cool opotamous?
    * This shît is funny, why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny shît. Funny shît would be if you took a shît, and it came out looking like a... sword.
    * A waiter came up to me backstage and said, "I got a joke for you." So I said, "What am I supposed to give you in return, a drink?"
    * My apartment is haunted. I came home the other day and I saw a sheet lying on the ground, I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked the motherfûcker.
    * I wished they made a fajita-scented cologne, that shît smells fûcking good.
    * A burrito is just a sleeping bag for ground beef.
    * I got New Balance shoes on, but they're old, so I keep falling.
    * I saw this girl once, and she was born without arms. I spoke with her parents, and they said she doesn't know the meaning of the word "can't." Poor girl, not only can she not wear bracelets, but she cannot embrace a simple contraction.
    * You know when you have medication that makes you drowsy they'll print the warning label, "Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this medication." The way I feel, do not operate heavy machinery... ever... cuz it's heavy... just put it down and back up... pick up some light machinery... like a stapler. Put the forklift away.
    * The host said, "This next man needs no introduction..." Then Mitch came out and said, "He said I needed no introduction, and then he introduced me. But I do need an introduction... or else I would still be back there... behind the curtain... waiting for my name."
    * This is so unusual to hear so much applause... I think you're trying to trick me and make me think I'm done.
    * If you go to Hawaii, you will see a lot of people eating pineapple.
      (Side note from commie--Definitely one of the jokes that only Mitch could pull off. Just reading it quite by itself--there's nothing funny about it. But when Mitch said it, I don't know, a complete non-joke said in a joke manner, it was just bloody hilarious. All the guys at my table were nearly falling out of our chairs with laughter.)
    * I got an idea for sweatshops... AIR CONDITIONING! Problem solved.
    * I was at a convenient store reading a magazine and the clerk said sorry this isn't a library. I said, "OK, I will talk louder."
    * I was gonna stay over night at my friend's house, he said you’re gonna have to sleep on the floor... damm gravity! Got me again. You don't know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall.
    * I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
    * Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite into and miss.
    * One time I saw a seagull at a lake and I told him, "Dude I won't tell anybody."
    * This is a theater show. You know what the difference between a club show and a theater show is? The absence of bricks. Apparently, bricks make people funnier. You should see me around a construction site. I’m fûcking hilarious.
    * I'm staying in this hotel and I dialed "0". I meant to dial 8, but I aimed too low. Anyway, the hotel operator answered and said, "How may I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you can start by saying 'action' ... and at the end, say 'cut' ... and if you wanted to go the extra yard, you can wear a beret and knickers ... and carry a big cone."
    * Some people think that those drug-sniffing dogs are real smart. Not me. Those fûckers are tattle-tales.
    * ...I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurant, you know I’ve never been in a rotating restaurant but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it and I gave her a burrito.

Here are some previous jokes with extra lines:

    * I like the FedEx Driver because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it. And he's always on time. I like my drugs to have a tracking number. Then when my friend says Mitchell, "Where's the drugs?" I just say call the 1-800 number... your drugs were loaded onto a van at 7:30 am and will arrive on time. Perfect, that's what I paid for.
    * I played golf once, I never got good at it, I never got a hole in one but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. I hit a guy in a hole in one. You should always get a hole in one when you hit a guy. If you take more than one stroke to hit a guy, you're an asshole.
    * I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit... unless you are a table.

Here are some quotes from when he was on Premium Blend/Comedy Central Presents:

    * Did anyone see me on the David Letterman Show? No? Four million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. That's a good intro though, "This next comedian was on the David Letterman Show." I believe more people have seen me at the store. That might be a better intro. "You may have seen this next comedian at the store." And people would go, "Hell yes I have. He likes Kiwi fruit."
    * I can't wait until this set is over because I have a roll of Lifesavers in my pocket and pineapple is next.
    * I worked for a fundraiser. We raised money to buy one of those machines that keeps track of how much money you've raised.
    * I have a few drinks before the show. My manager says, "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch. A crutch helps you walk. Liquor seriously screws up the way I walk. It's not like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
    * Whenever I'm with my friends, I make sure we're sitting clockwise so that way if we're photographed, we're easy to identify. You didn't get that one? Neither did I. I don't know why I do it. A part of me won't let it go.
    * The last time I called shotgun, we rented a limo, so I fûcked up.
    * About every three years I think about buying a yo-yo. I'll be at the store in the yo-yo section and I'll fantasize about mastering it... to the point to where it becomes a reference to who I am. "Do you know Mitch Hedberg? Is that the guy that kicks ass on the yo-yo? Yeah, I know him. He's cool."