American Jokes.

[DrWHAT]

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle. The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..." The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!" "Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one." Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell." Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[DrWHAT]

Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?

The survey was a failure. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant. In Eastern Europe they didn’t now what “honest” meant. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant. And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

[DrWHAT]

Two Afganistani brothers, Mohammed and Tariq, emigrate to the USA, and decide that they want to become fully fledged members of the Greatest Nation on Earth. So they make a bet; they'll meet up in a years time, and the most American wins.

A year later, they meet up in a Texas steakhouse. Mohammed arrives first, and not long after, Tariq appears wearing a full cowboy outfit. "Hey buddy", calls over Tariq, "I've got me a job in oil, an SUV, and I've just married former Playboy Playmate. Well gee wizz, I just know I've won the bet".

"Fuck off towelhead", replies Mohammed.


"You can always count on Americans to do the right thing...after they have exhausted every other option."


What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
-America doesn't know how to milk a cow.


An American walks into a bar in Australia and gets into a conversation, during which it comes up that he's a foreigner visiting Australia for a week. Bartender asks him, "are you Canadian?" The American, surprised, responds, "no, why, do you get a lot of Canadians here?" the bartender says, "no, actually, we mostly get Americans, but nobody's ever been offended at being mistaken for a Canadian."


Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.


Q. How does America know Saddam Hussein has Weapons of Mass Destruction?
A. They kept the receipts


Q. Why can't Americans play chess?
A. They're missing two towers


An American was traveling in Sweden by train. The train passes a car factory and the American asks the passenger sitting next to him, "What's that?", "That's a car factory." the other passenger replies.

"That small factory makes cars? Boy son, you should see the car factories we have in the states, our cars are twice the size and this factory is like a small workshop in comparison."

The train passes by a small city and the American asks, "What's this?", "It's a city." the other passenger replies.

"This? Is this considered a city? Boy son, you should see our cities! They're 100 times bigger, with neon lights, subway trains, airports, thousands of taxis, millions of people!"

The train soon passes a lumber mill, where you can see giant trees being fed on a belt into the mill. The American asks, "What's this?", "This is where we make tooth picks for Americans..."

[DrWHAT]

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies,& Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker -- WOO-EEE!!!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right to An Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco IS A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep, syrup!

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...and the sheep are scared!

[DrWHAT]

Revised version by: Prius



Alabama: It Stands for, "Kinda Kool, Kid", We Swear

Alaska: MOOSE

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: Don't Ask About LA

Colorado: Bring An Oxygen Mask

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Just So We Could Say We Put A State on A Fucking Volcano

Idaho: Ever Had Rocky Mountain Oysters?

Illinois: $500,000 Homes, $500 Politicians

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: Drunk Shotgun Country

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Home of Jaws and Gay Marriage

Michigan: We Don't Go To Detroit Anymore...

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Big Sky. We'd Call It Big Sky Country If We Actually Had A Population Density higher than Antarctica.

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Play As Much Poker As You Want, But Don't Play the Fucking Lottery.

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: *Cough*

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: What Do You Mean There Are Other States?!

North Carolina: Tobacco IS A Vegetable

North Dakota: The Northernmost State in the South

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Home of the Only Environment in the United States

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Seceding from the Union Since 1845.

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Farms. What the Fuck Else Can Be Said?

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: The Land of Computers and People Who Look Like Lumberjacks.

Washington, D.C.: What Do You Mean We're Not A State?!

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin: Like Minnesota, But With Fewer Skybridges.

Wyoming: Not Much Here Except The Civilization-Ending Volcano.

[DrWHAT]

God is talking with an Angel about his latest creation, Earth.

God says "And you see this space here? This is what will become Canada. I've given it a vast natural beauty, mountains here and here, they'll have the world's most pristine lakes and woods, and they'll cherish them. I'll put expanses of fertile land here, and they'll grow food for the world. I've put it not too north and not too south, they'll enjoy all of the Seasons fully, they'll have an ever changing landscape of wonder and awe. I'll give them modern cities, ancient first nations to guide and humble them, they'll have peace and love, tolerance will be a primary virtue. They'll care for one another and those abroad, and they'll be respected and loved the world-over."

The Angel replies, "God, that's great, but dont you think that's a little too much grace for just one nation? Perhaps you should spread some of these gifts around?"

God says, "Oh, no. Dont worry. It wont be perfect. Wait until you see the assholes I'm putting to the south".



An American company and a Japanese company decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practised hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they both felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a half a year of study and millions spent analysing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganised. The new structure: a steering director, three departmental steering managers, three steering sub-managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American corporation fired the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a 25% bonus for discovering the problem.


An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican and an American are on a small aircraft, there is a loud BANG and the pilot informs them that something terrible has happened, the plane needs to loose ballast immediately or they will all die, and there are no parachutes.

So the Englishman says "Righto chaps, I know what the right thing to do is" and throws himself out of the plane shouting "God save the Queen!".

The Frenchman, not to be outdone by an Englishman, follows his lead and leaps out shouting "Vive la France!"

Inspired by their actions, the American wipes a tear from his eye and shoves the Mexican out, screaming "Remember the Alamo!"


This young Icelandic businessman is sent to to open a Far East branch for his company. His results, after one year, are fantastic. The Board of Directors decide to give him a special set of rewards.

He is given an English house, an American salary and a Japanese wife.

A year passes, and the man's results are shockingly poor, with sales down 200%. The Board meets and asks what happens. The CEO says, unfortunately, all those special rewards went to the man's head and his performance was nothing compared to what he had achieved before. So the Board decides to bring their Far East manager down to earth. They tell him that his previous rewards are being revoked and that new ones put in place for him.

He is given an English salary, a Japanese house and an American wife.